D-Day is Nearing and I'm all Torn Up

I've been gone a few days because I've been getting some things ready for when the kids and I get out on our own. You see, I'm not technically divorced yet, the kids and I moved in with my folks about four months ago. I haven't gone through with the divorce already because I had some major ducks to get in a row first. Then, my SUV broke down and that cost a lot of money and time to fix, so that was a huge setback to my plans. Luckily it will finally be done on Friday, after spending a whopping three weeks in the shop!

Mom says that we'll go back to my lawyer soon, right after I tie up these last few loose ends. This week, I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses while I still have eye insurance. Next week I'm going to the dentist to get some work done before I lose dental insurance. We've also been looking for a place for us to live once the divorce is through.

That's really been the main reason for me stalling for this long is because Ethan goes to a special education school in Montgomery County. My parents live in Elmore County. So obviously, I've got to have a place to live in Montgomery before the divorce goes through. I don't want Ethan to get kicked out of his school, because there is no special education school in any of the surrounding counties.

I've been looking into food stamps and figuring out if we qualify and how to go about getting them. I hate the idea of being on food stamps, but honestly, when we first get out on our own, I won't be able to get by without them. Hopefully, I won't need the help for long. I'm busting my ass trying to get a real career going from home right now. But the sad fact is, I've got to swallow my pride and take the help at first, because it's going to be real hard on us financially.

All these preparations for D-day has brought on a bit of depression on my end too. My marriage is about to be officially over and I'm feeling kind of down about it.

When I left, I told him that I wouldn't come home unless he got counseling for the compulsive lying, infidelity and intimate neglect. That if he would show me he was serious that I would go back to marriage counseling with him again and we could work on things. But after everything that's happened, I needed to know he was serious this time. Well, needless to say he wouldn't go. In fact, he never even shed a tear over me. He never acted like he missed me at all after I left. He never said he loved me and wanted me to come home.

Some days I feel so lonely. Why am I so easy to say goodbye to? Why am I so easy to forget? For what it's worth, I loved him. If I didn't, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. I wouldn't have waited around like a sad little puppy begging for any scrap of attention he was willing to give.

I've been listening to that Bruno Mars song, “Grenade.” Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I would have died for him. I picked him over other guys because he had my heart from the day I met him. He was so cute, so shy, so sweet. His eyes seemed so deep and honest. When he looked at me it was like he was looking at my soul, and damn did it make me weak in the knees. I felt safe in his arms. I trusted him to not hurt me. But that trust didn't last long, yet it took me an eternity to finally let go.

When I'm feeling this down about losing him, losing my family, I have to remind myself just how bad things had really gotten in the end. I was so depressed, I could barely function. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I was used up to the point that there was hardly anything left.

Since I've been back home with my parents, I've grown stronger. My smile is coming back. I'm being a better mother to my kids. I have things to look forward to now. My future isn't full of more tears, hurt and rejection. I can have the kind of life I want. Most importantly, I can be happy again.

I know deep down in my heart that going through this divorce is best for the kids. They weren't in a healthy environment back home, with Mommy and Daddy always fighting.

It's just hard. I mean, logically I know that this is for the best. I know that things are going to get better for us. But my heart is still broken, and it's a lot harder to reason with a broken heart than a sound mind.

So I just keep going forward, trying like hell not to look back, not to hesitate. I pray for strength everyday. I hug my babies and try to focus on how much better they're doing now since we've been gone. I think about the future and I work as hard as I can. I can't look back. I can't stop now.

He still crosses my mind a thousand times a day. The thought of him makes my foot hover over the break. That's pathetic. It's too late now. I have to do this. I have to move past him and on with my life. So bring on the divorce, I've got to get this over with before my niave heart does something stupid. It has a history of that, you know?