I've been gone a few days because I've
been getting some things ready for when the kids and I get out on our
own. You see, I'm not technically divorced yet, the kids and I moved
in with my folks about four months ago. I haven't gone through with
the divorce already because I had some major ducks to get in a row
first. Then, my SUV broke down and that cost a lot of money and time
to fix, so that was a huge setback to my plans. Luckily it will
finally be done on Friday, after spending a whopping three weeks in
the shop!
Mom says that we'll go back to my
lawyer soon, right after I tie up these last few loose ends. This
week, I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses while I still have
eye insurance. Next week I'm going to the dentist to get some work
done before I lose dental insurance. We've also been looking for a
place for us to live once the divorce is through.
That's really been the main reason for
me stalling for this long is because Ethan goes to a special
education school in Montgomery County. My parents live in Elmore
County. So obviously, I've got to have a place to live in Montgomery
before the divorce goes through. I don't want Ethan to get kicked out
of his school, because there is no special education school in any of
the surrounding counties.
I've been looking into food stamps and
figuring out if we qualify and how to go about getting them. I hate
the idea of being on food stamps, but honestly, when we first get out
on our own, I won't be able to get by without them. Hopefully, I
won't need the help for long. I'm busting my ass trying to get a real
career going from home right now. But the sad fact is, I've got to
swallow my pride and take the help at first, because it's going to be
real hard on us financially.
All these preparations for D-day has
brought on a bit of depression on my end too. My marriage is about to
be officially over and I'm feeling kind of down about it.
When I left, I told him that I wouldn't
come home unless he got counseling for the compulsive lying,
infidelity and intimate neglect. That if he would show me he was
serious that I would go back to marriage counseling with him again
and we could work on things. But after everything that's happened, I
needed to know he was serious this time. Well, needless to say he
wouldn't go. In fact, he never even shed a tear over me. He never
acted like he missed me at all after I left. He never said he loved
me and wanted me to come home.
Some days I feel so lonely. Why am
I so easy to say goodbye to? Why am I so easy to forget? For what
it's worth, I loved him. If I didn't, I wouldn't have stayed as long
as I did. I wouldn't have waited around like a sad little puppy
begging for any scrap of attention he was willing to give.
I've been listening to that Bruno Mars
song, “Grenade.” Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I feel right
now. I would have died for him. I picked him over other guys because
he had my heart from the day I met him. He was so cute, so shy, so
sweet. His eyes seemed so deep and honest. When he looked at me it
was like he was looking at my soul, and damn did it make me weak in
the knees. I felt safe in his arms. I trusted him to not hurt me. But
that trust didn't last long, yet it took me an eternity to finally
let go.
When I'm feeling this down about losing
him, losing my family, I have to remind myself just how bad things
had really gotten in the end. I was so depressed, I could barely
function. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I was used up to
the point that there was hardly anything left.
Since I've been back home with my
parents, I've grown stronger. My smile is coming back. I'm being a
better mother to my kids. I have things to look forward to now. My
future isn't full of more tears, hurt and rejection. I can have the
kind of life I want. Most importantly, I can be happy again.
I know deep down in my heart that going
through this divorce is best for the kids. They weren't in a healthy
environment back home, with Mommy and Daddy always fighting.
It's just hard. I mean, logically I
know that this is for the best. I know that things are going to get
better for us. But my heart is still broken, and it's a lot harder to
reason with a broken heart than a sound mind.
So I just keep going forward, trying
like hell not to look back, not to hesitate. I pray for strength
everyday. I hug my babies and try to focus on how much better they're
doing now since we've been gone. I think about the future and I work
as hard as I can. I can't look back. I can't stop now.
He still crosses my mind a thousand
times a day. The thought of him makes my foot hover over the break.
That's pathetic. It's too late now. I have to do this. I have to move past
him and on with my life. So bring on the divorce, I've got to get
this over with before my niave heart does something stupid. It has a
history of that, you know?